“A Mayan misfortune…” Kixmas 2012

Twas four days before Kixmas and all through the land,
the world was ending or so was the plan,

Some American misinterpreted a calendar craved of bone, 
One shouldn’t do research when there right fukin stoned,

It was a Mayan witch hunt to flush out the truth, 
Would the world be ending or was it another Y2K spoof?,

Lucky for children Santa lives at the North Pole, 
Where it’s to bloody cold for Mayans to stroll !,

He busily worked as he has thousands of Kixmases in the past, 
Filling requests for those who thought they’d all seen there last,

Silly kids who thought they’d never see another Kixmas day,
Making outlandish requests like “Santa this year I’d like to be gay”

Requests kept getting crazy and poured in on the Clause Kixmas hotline,
Some kids asking for lingerie some asking for wine,

Like six year old Sally who requested for boobs be the size of a squash!,
Or ten your old Timmy who wanted to see his baseball team sloshed !,
 
Like seven year old Sam who wished he lived in a whale,
To nine year old Ned who hoped to experience his first piece of tale,
 
One came in from eleven year old Ralph, 
Who asked for a street flight with Buddy the Elf,

From Holland to China from England to Milan,
Santa couldn’t believe when he heard little Hanz wanted a holocaust again!,
 
From all over the globe the requests just kept getting wild,
Santa packed that sleigh with dildos, mens high heels etc & did so with a smile,
 
Well it seems there was a small glitch in the hype,
As the planet kept spinning all day and all night,
 
Thoughtless requests filled the bottom of Kixmas trees,
Like Six year old Sally who was now rockin double D’s,
 
Or eleven year old Ralph who got his ass kicked by an Elf,
To little Ned bangin Sammy inside Moby Dicks tail itself,
 
All Timmys friends couldn’t play as they were to fukin hung-over,
Or poor little Hanz who had his mates whipped out so they weren’t coming over,
 
If your nephews got black eyes and your niece is now stripping for cash,
Explain to those poor kids not to believe all this trash,
 
Turn off your TV and shut off the news,
Or you might see your kids unwrapping boxes booze,
 
Now dash away Donder and Cupid and Vixen,
What the hell, why is Rudolph bent over Mrs Clause in the kitchen? ,
 
Careful what you wish, that’s what they say, 
Or you might wake up to find your twins are now gay,
 
Now take your hands out of your pants, and pray for a ginger,
Merry Kixmas to all may your day be a real hum-dinger!