3 Races To Make You Puke, Cry & Dream
Ever wanted to have your ass kicked by a camel, or an ox, maybe a sand dune, river, or the guy beside you. Ever drove something so hard it started on fire, or imploded. Does being robbed of your Lamborghini or 0.9L Fiat get you excited? What’s the slowest or fastest or most lost you think you could possibly get on a road trip and eventually be found?
Well, I’m basically prancing around in my race goggles right now with excitement about the idea of all of it.
One minute I’m perfectly concentrated on looking up the origins of Roquefort Blue Cheese and how I’m going to get myself to the caves they mold in next year & all of a sudden I’ve revamped my bucket list to include “Mongol Rally”.
Basically there are three races I’d now like to compete / risk my life in.
The Dakar. If ever as a kid you’ve taken a log, laid it on it’s side, then put a plank of wood across it so you could jump your peddle bike off the other side. Then you’ve likely been training for this your whole life.
A group of crazy asses from all walks of life whom drive anything (well tuned & expensive) from a motorbike to a giant truck that looks like a semi with the ass cut off then, kitted out with turbo this and super fast that.
It used to be called the “Pairs-Dakar Rally” and much like the name it ran from Pairs France to Dakar Senegal. Well that got a wee bit to dangerous passing through Mauritania and they moved it to the safest place with the least chances of law suits, South America!
If you like Red Bull, grown men crying and expensive stuff breaking. Check out some Dakar videos.
Anyone want to sponsor an inexperienced motorbike rider who has never attempted so much as a catwalk, call me I’ll practice.
Next on the distraction list. The Gumball 3000. Think glitz and glam, Maserati and Ferraris, women in small outfits and men trying to get into those outfits. Think champagne at the start, middle, during fuel-ups, here and there and at the end.
Maybe your friend is a helicopter pilot and he goes up ahead and checks for the Police and gives you updates. Maybe your friends are the police and they all happen to be on break while you scream down the highway with your bull dogs drooling jowls flapping in the wind. Hell maybe you have a bat mobile collecting dusk in the shed outback and you want to take it for a spin across Europe or the U.S.
Hell the boys from Jackass did it, even David Hasselhoff took Kitt the original Knight Rider car for the race one year.
Their are just a few simple questions they ask, like what is your occupation, type of car you want to enter and small entrance fee of roughly $50,000CND.
Again I am open to sponsorship & have a beautiful 98 Ford E-150 van with room for someone to run the navigation.
Lastly………… The Mongol Rally.
Hello, trans-European / Asia race with a limited supply of rules. Did I ever mention how well I don’t do with excess rules?
It’s simple really, you get the crapest car you can find. It’s completely encouraged to spend less then $25 on the car and I’m pretty sure it must have less then a 1.0L engine or 125cc if you are on two wheels. This is to encourage hilarity & over exhausting the vehicle in the hopes of using your wits to get you out of what is already likely to be a foreign place, with backwards rules and a very good chance you are lost.
I’m already in love.
With you and 1-9 friends cramped in a under equipped car with array of funny things attached to it, you set off from a variety of places in Europe and mainly converge in Prague. Then in the most confusing route plan you can come up with you are to “race”, by race they mean get lost often and not be the first ones to arrive in Mongolia, eventually with some killer stories at the end.
Ohh and it’s for charity. You must raise 1000 pounds ($2000 CND) or basically 100x the value of your chosen car.
It’s what backpackers dream up when they want to run the Gumball 3000, thou they know it would be more fun to be trashing your 79 mini cooper then worrying about scratching your Ferrari.
This is how things end up on my bucket list.
I’m totally open to adding more ridicules things to the list if you know of something hilarious or outrageous???
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