​Baby Jesus was a Mexican, I saw it for myself,
In dozens of historical sculptures sitting on a shelf,
 
All my life I thought like all good stories I’d been told,
Baby Jesus was a white dude ‘casue that’s all the stores sold,
 
On my personal pilgrimage from Northern Hemisphere to South,
It was brought to my attention as my jaw almost fell right off my mouth,

I saw that Mary made tamales and Joseph ran a farm,
Just kickin it in Mexico away from any harm,

Their place was lined with cactus and had pyramids built to the sun,
The cows were a little skinny and the donkeys were rode for fun,

In fact the Wiseman were really Aztecs, that needed not travel all that far,
Brining little gifts like aged mezcal & rare tequila for Josephs bar,

There was no gospel hymns sung quiet on Christmas day,
It was a booming mariachi band that played for Jesus in the hay,
 
Seven members deep with grand sombreros to block the heat,
The trumpets lead the band while the others kept the beat,

I know you heard some story about myrrh & frankincense,
But I saw it for myself in a museum with ancient sculptures quite intense,

Some carved in wood or clay etched in ancient stone,
All on display at the museum with every little bit of history about Jesus home,

"Mi casa su casa" hung on a humble sign above the door,
I'm not sure the United States OF Bethlehem would have the same welcoming committee in Store,
 
Give or take a couple centuries of friendship with the neighbours to the North this would be a little bump,
Mi casa su casa would be more like a duplex with a wall ‘casue these crazy asses elected Trump!
 
 
 Merry Kixmas To All And To All A Taco Night!

    A Princess had a baby with this guy who’s a Prince I guess,
Thou I did always wonder what was under Kate Middletons dress?

Canadian politics made headlines for a junkie who threw himself on the sword,
Who knew the tapes were rolling? My new hero’s name is Rob Ford,

Mandela passed away and the world was in awe…
One man, one vision that in the end we finally all saw,

Some stars became famous, some faded away,
I’ll bet that Miley Cyrus is one hell of a lay,

But back to the season and why were all here,
To remember baby Jesus and his eight tiny reindeer,

How he carried a cross in the back of a sleigh,
And worked those poor Wiseman without any pay,

To remember that god invented Coca Cola and from that we found Clause,
And that VISA invented interested a side effect of the holiday cause,

It was a year to remember that Chris Hadfield flew into space,
And that 21 years of education would have gone unnoticed if he hadn’t packed his guitar case,

We learned that Obama Care failed from a man who shifted the focus from war,
Give a Yankee a gun and they’ll forget there health’s poor,

We saw a Duck Dynasty album outsell Brittany Spears,
She’s got some talent, but to grow those beards it took years,

On the eve of Kixmas perhaps it’s best to reflect on your days,
Did your year of checking FaceBook at work really deserve a pay raise?,

Did you feed a needy child or just stuff your round face?,
Did you take the stairs or just watch from the elevator while you rose into space?,

Did you do everything that you swore this year you would do?,
Or were you to damn hung over to even lace up a shoe?

Take advice from me I once played a Doctor on T.V.,
Or listen to the advice from a Seuss a Doctor who’s words will keep your neck out of a noose,

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” 
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!


Tonight’s the night you look up in the sky,
 & wonder to yourself have I been a good guy?

If you’ve been coveting thy neighbour or stealing from KixStop,
They I’ll tell ya right now it best fuking stop,

If you stub your toe and yell “Jesus Christ !”
There’s a pretty good chance Santas interest in you won’t suffice,

Another year in reflection and perhaps not a moment too soon,
‘casue Santa knows that you pissed away your hard earning on cheep bottles of goon,

Now dash away, dash away, and get out of sight,
For when you awake in the morning the headlines might be of you and your plight,

MERRY KIXMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!

It was a Mayan witch hunt to flush out the truth, 
Would the world be ending or was it another Y2K spoof?,

Lucky for children Santa lives at the North Pole, 
Where it’s to bloody cold for Mayans to stroll !,

He busily worked as he has thousands of Kixmases in the past, 
Filling requests for those who thought they’d all seen there last,

Silly kids who thought they’d never see another Kixmas day,
Making outlandish requests like “Santa this year I’d like to be gay”

Requests kept getting crazy and poured in on the Clause Kixmas hotline,
Some kids asking for lingerie some asking for wine,

Like six year old Sally who requested for boobs be the size of a squash!,
Or ten your old Timmy who wanted to see his baseball team sloshed !,
 
Like seven year old Sam who wished he lived in a whale,
To nine year old Ned who hoped to experience his first piece of tale,
 
One came in from eleven year old Ralph, 
Who asked for a street flight with Buddy the Elf,

From Holland to China from England to Milan,
Santa couldn’t believe when he heard little Hanz wanted a holocaust again!,
 
From all over the globe the requests just kept getting wild,
Santa packed that sleigh with dildos, mens high heels etc & did so with a smile,
 
Well it seems there was a small glitch in the hype,
As the planet kept spinning all day and all night,
 
Thoughtless requests filled the bottom of Kixmas trees,
Like Six year old Sally who was now rockin double D’s,
 
Or eleven year old Ralph who got his ass kicked by an Elf,
To little Ned bangin Sammy inside Moby Dicks tail itself,
 
All Timmys friends couldn’t play as they were to fukin hung-over,
Or poor little Hanz who had his mates whipped out so they weren’t coming over,
 
If your nephews got black eyes and your niece is now stripping for cash,
Explain to those poor kids not to believe all this trash,
 
Turn off your TV and shut off the news,
Or you might see your kids unwrapping boxes booze,
 
Now dash away Donder and Cupid and Vixen,
What the hell, why is Rudolph bent over Mrs Clause in the kitchen? ,
 
Careful what you wish, that’s what they say, 
Or you might wake up to find your twins are now gay,
 
Now take your hands out of your pants, and pray for a ginger,
Merry Kixmas to all may your day be a real hum-dinger!